Well, today is the day. My last day of work. Starting tomorrow I will officially be a stay at home mom. I’m excited… mostly. I won’t even lie, I am a little nervous about this. I am thrilled that I will be able to spend more time with Ally and that I will be able to cook and clean more than before, but I am terrified about not having my own income anymore. I know, I’m married and that means there is no “his money/her money” thing, I just liked the freedom to splurge whenever I felt like it. Oh well, I am sure I will get used to it and I am positive things will be ok. If I stay positive, then good things will happen for us. I just know it. I have to look at the bright side and be thankful for everything I have.
Oh my good gawd! Hump day is finally upon us. Ok, I don’t really care that it is Wednesday, I am just happy to be passed the weekend and the sickness that took a huge toll on my already huge pregnant body. Food poisoning in not fun folks, and it is insanely more miserable when you are pregnant. You try to get an almost seven month pregnant lady to not eat her favorite foods and see how that goes. I’ll save you the suspense, not well. I wasn’t able to eat for two days. Two days! That is an eternity! But luckily for me I had the most helpful little two-year old to keep me company, and by helpful I mean needy, clingy and wanting to pretend mommy was a jungle gym. Thanks Ally. I mean it’s not like daddy wasn’t here for her, but noooo she wanted to be all over mommy while mommy just wanted to sleep and make the pain go away.
Ah well, such is the life of a parent, which is about to get a whole lot more fun in a few months. (Read: a whole lot more busy, complicated, and frustrating). Not sure if I had updated with the latest news about the bun in the oven, but we had the sonogram and discovered we will be completing our set. It’s a boy! Whoo hoo! One of each to drive me crazy with different problems as they get older. Awesome. But seriously, I am excited and Mykal is through the roof about it. Now comes the hard part: the name. For some people it is super easy and they just know it right away. Yeah… I’m not one of those people. I am an over thinker who has to have everything perfect and so of course I am going through a long list of names debating whether or not they will cause ridicule or whether or not I will have to hear it from family about the name we choose. Though I am getting over that part pretty quickly. Taking on a more none caring attitude with what family thinks, because they will always have an opinion that differs from mine anyway, so why should I care? Just a waste of time and effort to worry.
I do still have my fears about being able to handle two kids, but I am trying to have faith in myself and remember that I am the best parent I can be and I will love my children and make sure they know that on a daily basis.
While some might think I am a little late for this, we have started trying to potty train Ally. I haven’t been able to put as much effort in it as I would like to, but that is going to change come the beginning of September. I will be taking my leave from work and will be able to spend days in a row working with her, helping her, and encouraging her to use the potty and be a big girl in big girl undies. I would love to cheer for no more diapers, but seeing as we are due November 3rd, we can expect to be in diapers for another two years (give or take).
In my last bit of updated news, I have decided I will be going back to school as soon as little man gets here. A few people in my life think I’m wasting time waiting, but honestly between work, pregnancy, and Ally, I just don’t think I will be able to give it my all until the baby arrives and I get a some of my energy and regularity back. I’ve waited this long, a few more months isn’t going to hurt anything. I’ll be doing online courses so that I won’t have to worry about gas or a sitter or anything like that. I have a school in mind and course in mind and will be doing some research to make sure it will be a good fit for me. I am excited. It may take a few years, but I am hoping that by the time I am done, I will be able to contribute something in the financial department.
Well I guess that is all for today. I plan to do some updating to my blog over the next week or two, so bear with me and expect a little more of my home life to fill these interweb pages. I will occasionally write about a little gaming here and there, but if you want to read any of that, I would suggest finding me at The Married Gamers .
Thanks for reading.
Sometimes I think joining instagram was one if the worst things I could have done. Not because of the drama, I haven’t had that issue with it. But because of all the parents I have on my account. I’m not saying they are bad people or parents, quite the opposite actually. Many of them have a kid or two around Allys age and it seems like every time I login and see what some of my favorite people are up to, they are doing all sorts of creative things and their kid looks like a freaking genius. Which only makes me feel like a terrible mother because either we don’t do those things or Ally isn’t to that point yet, which would, again, be my fault.
I know everyone has different parenting styles and you are not supposed to compare you or your kid to others, but that is easier said than done. I see plenty of parents who do all organic and never let their kid eat junk food and here I am getting Ally a happy meal because she said she wanted fries and nuggets. I see their kids have a wide variety of things they will eat and I’m rotating around 5 meals every time we eat. Ally is picky, which she probably gets from me, so there we see again that I am at fault for her nutrition.
I see many parents try to limit their kids TV time and here me and Ally sit for a good chunk of the day watching movies and bouncing from Nick Jr to Disney Jr. I just feel like Ally is learning from things like Team Umizoomi and Dora. And she is, Ally knows a lot of shapes and even counted to eight in Spanish a couple weeks ago. But I feel like maybe I am also hindering her development somehow. I was an only child so kids confuse me sometimes. And I watched TV all the time as a kid, I still ended up on honor roll more times than not. I could have been in advanced classes had I not let boys get in the way. I just worry I’m not helping her learn to her fullest abilities.
I also see many of them have either already potty trained their kid or are currently working on it. We have not and I know we should have by now. The idea of potty training seems like a 3D jigsaw puzzle, entirely too hard. I see people making charts to help and can’t help but think “Ally won’t understand that chart, she will just want to play with the stickers.” Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit but like I said, I just feel like I’m not showing her the things she needs to know and when I see all these other parents showing their perfect children and their perfect lives, it makes me feel like crap.
I have considered the fact that they only show the good stuff going on in their lives to put on a facade of perfect health and learning, but it still doesn’t help me feel any better. I try not to spend too much time on instagram so that I don’t have to feel inferior, and sometimes I want to delete it entirely, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Too many memories and pictures I want to keep. I guess all I can do is keep trying to be the best mom I can be and not let others be the deciding factor in my mothering abilities.
So its been a while since I’ve last blogged and a few things have had me pretty busy. We moved from a rent house to an apartment to save money and then bam, I get pregnant. I’m not surprised though considering we were kind of trying. But anyways Ally is about to turn two this month and I’m four months along in my pregnancy.
I’m excited that we will be adding to our family, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified right now. Just so many worries. I am an only child from a divorced home, I’ve never know what it was like to have siblings or watch as my parents loved more than just me. I have this horrible fear that I won’t be able to love two children equally. When Ally came into my life I was shown a whole new kind of love and attachment, how can that happen more than once? Will I be biased and favor one child over the other? I don’t want that to be the case, at all. I’m worried Ally will feel left out or pushed aside with a new baby.
How can I do this? How do I know I will be able to be a good mom to two kids? How can I lead two children and raise them to be productive members of society? I’m just lucky that I have my husband to help me. He has siblings and is great with kids, we are total opposites that way. Without him, I would be lost. But even knowing he will be there, I am still scared. I need to be strong and I need to remember that I will fail from time to time and as long as I learn from my mistakes I should be fine. Its just hard. I know Mykal can handle the bills and will take care of us. I know he would be a better stay at home parent than I will be, I’m not afraid to admit that, ashamed? Yes. But I will admit it none the less. The things I do know isn’t an issue though. Its the things I don’t. Its the unknown, those are the things that keep me up at night.
But maybe getting some of those things out of my head will give me a little peace and allow me to get the sleep I need. I’m going to try and sleep right now. Wish me luck.
I usually stray away from blogging about sensitive content that may offend people. I would never want to offend any of you, and always try to keep my blogs fun, light, personal and informative. I decided tonight to make a slight change and blog about a relatively unpopular opinion. Now please, before I begin, let it be known I value and appreciate other people's opinions.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had this tough outer shell, a barrier or wall, if you will, that I felt I needed to put up in order to protect myself. I’ve had a view on the type of person I thought I wanted to be. Strong and silent. No emotions or weaknesses. Unbreakable. But the truth is, I’m only human. I’m still just as fragile as anyone else. I bleed if I’m cut and I cry when I can’t handle my emotions anymore. It’s in our nature.
I’ve always thought that I needed to be some awesome vision of toughness. That when people would talk about me they’d say “wow, can you believe how strong Sam is? She never let’s anything phase her! She’s such a hardass, I wouldn’t want to mess with her.” Yup. That was who I wanted to be. And for a time, maybe that’s who I was. Since I can’t read minds, I guess I’ll never know.
But over the last year or so, things have changed. I got married and gave birth to a beautiful daughter, my little Alanna. My priorities shifted. I’ve come to realize that I don’t care what people think of me. The only people’s opinions that make a real difference in my life is that of my husband, Mykal and, when she can talk, Alanna.
Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time, just like me, so why should I care what they would think? Some make more money than me, or maybe have a bigger house, maybe they have a big time degree and are quite possibly smarter than me as well. That’s the beauty of the world, we are all different. Someone will always be better off than you, then again, someone will always have it worse. You just have to put things in perspective.
I’ve been playing with this idea for a while now and I think I’ve to finally decided to start it. I’m going to be making a section (category, whatever) and call it Dear Alanna. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, a lot of things I wish I could redo, or simply do better, and I’m hoping that maybe by writing about these things, it might one day help Ally realize that although I am her mother, I’ve been through what she has. I never listened to my mom when she said she’d been there and done that. Most teens don’t, we all think we know the world better than our parents. It’s not until we become a parent with tons of responsibilities do we realize how wrong we really were and how much we had to learn. I was worried about putting my real and more personal thoughts down I a blog associated directly with me, but if I can’t own up to my own thoughts, feelings and mistakes, then what am I really teaching Ally?
I hope that when Alanna is old enough to read my thoughts, and truly understand them, that blogging will still be around, if not I’ll print off all the posts and turn it into a book. But who knows how fast the Internet can change, when I first started using it it was all about chat rooms and pixel avatars. Haha. Oh the good old days. Yes, I know I’m only 23, doesn’t mean I can’t use that phrase.
I plan to post my first real Dear Alanna post this week, but with the holidays, I don’t know that I’ll get the chance.
Until next time!
Apparently this was made by Oliver Nolan, son of actual Batman director Christopher Nolan. And if that's the case, then hats off to everybody involved. This was good, real good. Why don't we have a real show or move like this?
So it seems that I haven’t posted in like two months. Holy crap! Sorry about that, I guess I’ve been busier than I thought. I’ve just started writing for The Married Gamers and it seems to be going well. I recently just reviewed Assassin’s Cree III: Liberation and I am pretty pleased with it. I hope that the more I continue to write, the better I will become. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer and I feel like this could be my chance, so any support from those who read my blog, would be much appreciated. <3 But I don’t want to call myself a writer just yet, writing a couple posts and saying “I’m a writer now” just feels wrong. That’s like taking a couple of cooking classes and then calling yourself a chef. It’ll take some time, but I truly hope to become a real writer someday.
And here is just a link to all of my posts I’ve done on their site.
I’ll make a real blog post again very soon, but you can always find me on Twitter (@Pwncess074) to see me ramble about things. Thanks for reading.
Why do you seem to hate me, Batman? Or is it you, Rocksteady, that dislikes me so? *cues tragedy music and rain whilst doing dramatic hand on forehead gesture* Ok, ok, so I can be a bit dramatic. But when you think you’re almost going to finish something that you’ve invested many many hours in, and then discover that it’s impossible and you’ll have to start again, you would be too.
I’m a huge fan of Batman Arkham Asylum, and thought Rocksteady did an amazing job with it. And when they announced Batman Arkham City, I swooned and my heart raced with excitement. I wondered how they could top such an awesome game. And when it released, I was thrilled that they somehow managed to do so. I spent many hours on my first run through just enjoying it all, soaking in the scenery and the delivering some satisfying brutal justice to criminals. I had stopped playing back in May, all I had left to do was to find the Riddler and beat him (which was very anti-climactic by the way). Or so I thought. Continue reading
It’s been about a month since I last blogged. A lot has been going on that I just haven’t found the time to sit and blog, not to mention that when Ally sees the laptop out she runs right over and starts pushing as many buttons as possible haha. So basically if she is awake, then no laptop. I started a part-time job around the time I posted my last post, and since then I’ve been trying to put in some extra hours. Those credit cards aren’t going to pay themselves, though that would be great if they did. A good friend that I’ve known since elementary school got me in at his job, which goes to prove, once again, that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Lucky for me I know a lot of people. Because I know you are dying to know where I work, I’ll just say that I work in a senior living home in dining services. Which has its ups and downs, but that’s a post for another day, today I’m just playing catch up.